Ice to see you.
So…pretty quiet around Fayetteville. Oh, and by “quiet,” I mean ridiculous, unfiltered, panic…
Because by sundown tonight, the entire state of Arkansas will be a victim of an otherworldly flaunting of Mother Nature’s supreme, unchallenged power…commonly referred to as an “Ice Storm.” God, I can see her as she gazes down her pointy, witch-like nose with disdain so pure that it could be used in hospitals to cure sick patients. I’m sure that “Mother Nature disdain” would be an amazing breakthrough in the field of medicine. However, her hatred would never allow that…she harbors too much contempt for human lives.
But what has brought about such anger? After hours of intense research, I have discovered that the reason we bear the might of Mother Nature is due to the rise of certain “popular” musicians. I’ve narrowed the list down to 15 singers/groups. The blame rests on the shoulders of Chris Daughtry, Jason Mraz, John Mayer, Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, Owl City, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, Katy Perry, Adam Lambert, Kris Allen, Michael Buble, the Black Eyed Peas, Britney Spears, and the guardians of the gates of Hell itself…Nickelback.
That’s right. Nickelback is the reason we are about to be hit by a winter storm.
I made the mistake of going to Walmart yesterday afternoon after I got off work. Good heavens. Like many Americans, I have had many trips to the world’s largest retailer, and not all of them were the most pleasant experiences. But in my 23 years on the planet, I have never been in a place with so much obvious confusion, fear, and uncertainty. I cannot throw stones, however, because I was there with all of them, attempting to protect myself and my fiance against a cold, faceless menace.
While Mother Nature is often portrayed in various forms, such as a sweet old woman tending to a garden or harvesting grain for her village, she continues to be unrecognized as the merciless figure that the winter season truly merits. I for one believe there should be a better symbol for the nasty side of the season. And don’t give me the “Old Man Winter” garbage. He is only pissed because of how cold his coffee is getting. Plus, he is probably upset that the episode of “Matlock” he just started watching was an episode he has already seen.
No. There should be a symbol more in line with the harsh connotations of the bitter cold of winter and it’s cruel storms. Something a little more ruthless…
That symbol…Dr. Victor Fries (pronounced “Freeze”). Otherwise known as Mr. Freeze!
(portrayed by Governor Arnold Schwartenegger)
Freeze is a scientist who must wear a cryogenic suit in order to survive, and bases his crimes around a “cold” or “ice” theme, complete with a “cold gun” that freezes its targets solid. In the most common variation of his origin story, he is a former cryogenics expert who suffered an industrial accident while attempting to treat his terminally ill wife, Nora. (Source: Wikipedia)
Get this…when he is translated to the big screen, ALL of his lines are cold/ice puns!
Come ON! You can’t argue with that!
Just look at some of the lines he was given in the 1997 abortion, “Batman & Robin:”
Mr. Freeze: You’re not sending ME to the COOLER!
Cop #1: Please show some mercy!
Mr. Freeze: Mercy? I’m afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.
Mr. Freeze: Tonight, hell freezes over!
Mr. Freeze: Hello, Sorry about the door, Is the party over?
Henchman: Sir! Sir! You’ve gotta see this!
[Freeze freezes him]
Mr. Freeze: I hate it when they talk during the movie.
Mr. Freeze: Ice to see you!
Poison Ivy: He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me…
Mr. Freeze: NOT! Surprise, I am your new cell mate. And I’m here to make your life a living hell. Prepare for a bitter harvest. Winter has come at last.
Mr. Freeze: I will blanket the city in endless winter. First Gotham, and then the world.
Poison Ivy: Just what I had in mind. Everything dead on earth, except us. A chance for Mother Nature to start again. Behold, the dawn of a new age. My mutant plants have the strength of the deadliest animals. Once you have frozen mankind, these babies will overrun the globe, and we shall rule them, for we will be the only two people left in the world.
Mr. Freeze: Adam and Evil!
Mr. Freeze: What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!
Mr. Freeze: In this universe, there’s only one absolute… everything freezes!
Mr. Freeze: Cool party!
Mr. Freeze: I’ll kill you next time!
Mr. Freeze: [referring to Batman and Robin] Their bones will turn to ice! Their blood will freeze in my hands!
Mr. Freeze: Can you be cold, Batman? You have eleven minutes to thaw a bird. What will you do? Chase the villain or save the boy? Your emotions make you weak. That’s why this day is mine!
Mr. Freeze: If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It’s time to feast!
Mr. Freeze: Watch the numbers, Batman, for they are the harbingers of your doom. Can you feel it coming? The icy cold of space! Ahh! At 30,000 feet, your heart will *freeze* and be no more!
Mr. Freeze: Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it’s the chilling sound of your doom.
Mr. Freeze: Let’s kick some ice!
Mr. Freeze: The Ice Man cometh!
[Batman is trying to melt the ice, when Freeze appears in the magnifying glass of the telescope]
Mr. Freeze: Tonight’s forecast… a freeze is coming!
Ms. B. Haven: Freezy, I’m feeling hot.
Mr. Freeze: I find that unlikely.
Ms. B. Haven: Okay, so my hair is brittle and my skin is dry. I’d wear the blizzards just to have you. You’re the most perfect man I’ve ever known. What do you say we heat things up?
Mr. Freeze: My passion thaws for my pride alone.
Ms. B. Haven: Ooh. Talk about your cold shoulder.
Mr. Freeze: [freezes Robin] Stay cool, Birdboy.
But seriously, stay warm.
Till we meet again,