“There must’ve been some magic…or witchcraft…in that old silk hat they found.”
For those of you unaware of the intricate plot of this christmas classic:
Several school children are having a Christmas party in their classroom, when a less than stellar magician named “Professor Hinkle,” puts on a terrible magic show, complete with broken eggs, and a rabbit. Long story short: the rabbit gets Hinkle’s magic hat stuck on his teeny rabbit head, hops it outside onto the playground, and puts it on a snowman that the children built. Hocus pocus, Frosty comes alive. Hinkle realizes that the hat is indeed magical, he wants it all to himself. Hinkle spends the remainder of the show trying to bamboozle one of the children (Karen) and Frosty to get the hat back.
Once the temperature outside begins to increase, and Frosty becomes self-aware, he realizes he must get to a cold climate or else he risks a painful, agonizing, death. This leads Karen, Frosty, and “Hocus Pocus” (the rabbit) on a journey to the North Pole.
The story itself is narrated/sung by Jimmy Durante, an older gentleman with a strong New York accent. Mr. Durante also sings the story’s theme. One second he will sing you into the christmas spirit with a delightful 1950’s-esque croon. While the next minute, he sounds like if you were to disrespect him in any way, that he would surely have one of his goons squeeze your testicles until one or both of them pop.
Uh-Oh!! Little known fact alert! Other suggested names for Frosty included Harold, Christopher Columbus, and Oatmeal. However, in hindsight, Oatmeal may have been a more appropriate name for the snowman, because Frosty… is an imbecile. Every time the massive, frozen buffoon comes to life, his first words are always “Happy Birthday.” This is never addressed or corrected by any of the other characters. Although I suppose he could be saying “Happy Birthday” to Jesus, but the movie seems to lack any other major religious overtones, other than the fact that Frosty possesses the power of reincarnation.
Anywho, back to the plizzot: On the way to the North Pole, and in an effort to keep Karen warm in the bitter cold, Frosty finds a greenhouse to shelter the child in. This shelter will undoubtedly prevent Karen from contracting hypothermia. Unfortunately, our mustachioed villain, Professor Hinkle, shuts the door and traps Frosty, leaving him with a one way ticket to Melt-town. Upon Frosty’s violent melting in the greenhouse of “tropical poinsettia plants,” Santa Claus(oh yeah, Santa pokes his jolly ass in there too) reveals that our protagonist was made of “Christmas snow,” which never disappears completely. See? So he will be back NEXT christmas! Whatever, Santa.
During Frosty’s heart-wrenching death sequence, our dear narrator/singer, (insert name) leads us through a very somber, very poignant scene, showing us the more memorable moments of Frosty’s 15 minute life. I half expected the following:
Speaking of Life and Death, when Frosty first comes to life, he lists the reasons why he is alive.
Frosty’s Rules of Existence:
1. Be able to make words/speech
2. Be able to move
3. Be able to juggle
4. Be able to sweep
5. Be able to count to 10 (Actually, Frosty kinda shits the bed on this rule. He is only truly able to count to 5 before he begins making horrendous errors.)
6. Be Ticklish
Yes…YOU ARE ALIVE!
Till we meet again,