Christmas Movie Marathon #27,26 & 25

Yeah, so I’m combining some of my Christmas Movie Marathon posts…suck it.

#27  Love Actually

A romantic comedy with an “All Star” cast, Love Actually was ACTUALLY (derp!) a pretty decent movie.  It stars Pirates of the Carribean’s Davy Jones and Elizabeth Swan, as well as Colin Firth, Qui Gon Jinn, Nanny McPhee, Tim from the British version of The Office, (or Bilbo Baggins from the new Hobbit movie, depending on your preference) Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead, Severus Snape, Billy Bob Thornton (aka BBT), Mr. Bean, and everyone’s favorite befuddled Englishman, Hugh Grant.  If THAT wasn’t enough to wet your appetite, it also features cameos from Elisha Cuthbert, Shannon Elizabeth, and Mrs. Betty Draper herself, January Jones!

Having never sat through this movie, I was pleasantly surprised to see that it had a little more depth and darkness to it than your garden variety romantic comedy shitfest.  In a nutshell, and SPOILER ALERT:

SNAPE CHEATS ON HIS WIFE USING THE ENGORGIO CURSE TO INCREASE THE SIZE OF HIS ERECTION!

I wish I could say that that was the first time I used that joke…

#26  The Year Without a Santa Clause

As I watched this one, I took notes on my computer in an attempt to capture my thoughts as they entered my brain.  Instead of adding any additional commentary or remarks, I figured I would just leave my notes unedited so you could see how simple and elementary my thought process truly is:

The Year without a santa clause:

The Movie without a description.

Mrs. Claus sings about how she has fantasized about being Santa before.  One can only assume that she also fantasized two Santas having gay, geriatric sex.  I invite you to do the same.

Santa: “What are you up to, ma?”

Two elves named “Jingle” and “Jangle.” Jangle sounds like he is voiced by Ray Romano, and his nose is played by a penis.

Heat Maizer and Snow Maizer are both pussies who live in the clouds.

Santa dresses like Mr. Magoo when he’s not working.

What gender would you think “Vixen” is? THAT’S RIGHT! FEMALE!

Ignatius Thistlewhite is the name of the little white kid.

Iggy’s (Ignatius’) mom: “Why don’t you bring your friend Mr. Claus inside, I’ll ‘give him something’ for that cold of his.”  Perhaps the mother is referring to oral sex?

“I believe in Santa Clause” is an oddly written song.

#25  Claymation Christmas

This CBS special is “hosted” by a Velociraptor who talks like Thurston Howell III, so, needles to say, it scores some coolness points right off the bat.  Oh, and the CALIFORNIA RASINS ARE IN IT!!!!

“Hey man, you’re a cab.”

Ooooooh chile, dems sum crazy raisins!

Hey on your way back from that nostalgic journey through your childhood, pick me up some “Bugle Boy” jeans, will ya?  K thanx.

Till we meet again,

JL

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