As of this writing, Jessi and I have 7 Christmas movies to watch before December 23, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned we won’t complete it. I’m even more upset that I have not been chronicling the experience as I promised I would. So instead, I will throw my two cents about the movies at you in short, brief bursts, like rapid, yuletide, jabs to the cheek and jaw. So grab some hot cocoa, splash it on your face, and prepare for the Christmajesty…
Christmas Vacation: The shitter was indeed full, Randy Quaid. Full of Christmas cheer, legitimate side-splitting laughter, and literal human feces.
Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas: A 50 min Jim Henson puppet fest with enough genuine emotion in it to make me burst into tears. But I am also a substantial puss.
White Christmas: Bing Crosby and Danny “F’n” Kaye (see Christmas Vacation for that reference) croon and dance their way through what is a classic movie, even if Bing did beat the shit out of his kids.
The Santa Clause: I am currently adapting this work for the stage. I can see it now.
“Chester Leonard…is Tim Allen…as Scott Calvin…in ‘The Santa Clause.'” For those of you who haven’t met my Dad, if there were ever a movie about him, Tim Allen would play him. Except Dad is funnier.
Scrooged: GREAAAAAAT MOVIE! Bill Murray is awesome and this movie should never be touched. Perfection.
Die Hard: That’s right, we included Die Hard. Yippie Ki Yay! This movie gets love from me because it is the only one on our list that contains the song “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: What is there to say? Claymation nostalgia at its finest. “Jingle, Jingle, Jingle.”
Ernest Saves Christmas: Co-MVPs of this movie? These two.
Muppet Family Christmas: Not to be confused with “Muppet Christmas Carol.” This is the best TV Christmas special of all time. The Muppets, Fraggle Rock, and Sesame Street all combine to form a triumvirate of childhood nostalgia.
PeeWee’s Christmas Special: The most twisted hour of television these eyes have ever seen, with enough awkward celebrity appearances to make you wince. K.D. Lang, Whoopi Goldberg, Charo, Jsa Jsa Gabor and Little Richard are brought into the fold with literally NO buildup. At one point, PeeWee is riding an imaginary sleigh in an imaginary winter wonderland when he suddenly squeals, “Look it’s Magic Johnson!” Magic is on screen for probably ten seconds and never heard from again.
Frosty the Snowman: With the rest of this lineup, can you blame me for saying that this movie was a tad underwhelming?
Polar Express: I enjoyed this movie a lot more than I thought I would, but be warned, its not for the Tom Hanks squeamish…
There… now you are caught up. If Jessi and I are able to complete this rigorous gauntlet prior to Christ Mass, you will be the first to know.
It is no secret that our country’s economic climate has seen better days. It appears that even our dear Santa Clause is not immune to budget cuts and downsizing, for he has been replaced by a less enduring, but equally recognizable symbol. That symbol…Shaquille O’Neal.
So for goodness sake, go buy presents for everyone you know, so Shaq can go back to missing free throws.
Till We Meet Again,