Christmas Movie Megatacular Part Deux

As of this writing, Jessi and I have 7 Christmas movies to watch before December 23, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned we won’t complete it. I’m even more upset that I have not been chronicling the experience as I promised I would. So instead, I will throw my two cents about the movies at you in short, brief bursts, like rapid, yuletide, jabs to the cheek and jaw. So grab some hot cocoa, splash it on your face, and prepare for the Christmajesty…

Christmas Vacation: The shitter was indeed full, Randy Quaid. Full of Christmas cheer, legitimate side-splitting laughter, and literal human feces.

Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas: A 50 min Jim Henson puppet fest with enough genuine emotion in it to make me burst into tears. But I am also a substantial puss.

White Christmas: Bing Crosby and Danny “F’n” Kaye (see Christmas Vacation for that reference) croon and dance their way through what is a classic movie, even if Bing did beat the shit out of his kids.

The Santa Clause: I am currently adapting this work for the stage. I can see it now.
“Chester Leonard…is Tim Allen…as Scott Calvin…in ‘The Santa Clause.'” For those of you who haven’t met my Dad, if there were ever a movie about him, Tim Allen would play him. Except Dad is funnier.

Scrooged: GREAAAAAAT MOVIE! Bill Murray is awesome and this movie should never be touched. Perfection.

Die Hard: That’s right, we included Die Hard. Yippie Ki Yay! This movie gets love from me because it is the only one on our list that contains the song “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: What is there to say? Claymation nostalgia at its finest. “Jingle, Jingle, Jingle.”

Ernest Saves Christmas: Co-MVPs of this movie? These two.

Muppet Family Christmas: Not to be confused with “Muppet Christmas Carol.” This is the best TV Christmas special of all time. The Muppets, Fraggle Rock, and Sesame Street all combine to form a triumvirate of childhood nostalgia.

PeeWee’s Christmas Special: The most twisted hour of television these eyes have ever seen, with enough awkward celebrity appearances to make you wince. K.D. Lang, Whoopi Goldberg, Charo, Jsa Jsa Gabor and Little Richard are brought into the fold with literally NO buildup. At one point, PeeWee is riding an imaginary sleigh in an imaginary winter wonderland when he suddenly squeals, “Look it’s Magic Johnson!” Magic is on screen for probably ten seconds and never heard from again.


Magic Johnson’s HIV meds occasionally give him elaborate hallucinations

Frosty the Snowman: With the rest of this lineup, can you blame me for saying that this movie was a tad underwhelming?

Polar Express: I enjoyed this movie a lot more than I thought I would, but be warned, its not for the Tom Hanks squeamish…

There… now you are caught up. If Jessi and I are able to complete this rigorous gauntlet prior to Christ Mass, you will be the first to know.

It is no secret that our country’s economic climate has seen better days. It appears that even our dear Santa Clause is not immune to budget cuts and downsizing, for he has been replaced by a less enduring, but equally recognizable symbol. That symbol…Shaquille O’Neal.
So for goodness sake, go buy presents for everyone you know, so Shaq can go back to missing free throws.

Till We Meet Again,

JL

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Christmas Movie Megatacular Part 1

Hello there.

Jessi and I decided to kick off our Christmas Movie/TV Marathon with the only decent Christmas movie of the new millennium: Elf. Believe it or not, this film is directed by Jon Favreau, but is oddly devoid of any appearance by Vince Vaughn. I think I speak for anyone who saw this movie when I say we dodged a major armor-piercing bullet on that one.

Think of it! They could have cross promoted that piece of sh*t movie “Fred Clause” with “Elf.” Vaughn could have played Santa’s fast-talking, smart ass brother who drinks alot and tries to have sex with Zooey Deschanel before Will Ferrell. Hell, he could try to nail every female in the movie and even a couple that are not… like Mrs. Clause! But I digress…

Since Elf is based on a popular kids book, the story is solid. It has enough appeal for kids and adults alike that most should enjoy. Will Ferrell manages to keep himself fully clothed for almost the entire movie, with the exception of a shower scene at the beginning and when he exposes his privates to Mary Steenburgen (whom Vince Vaughn could later nail).

There are several awesome cameos in Elf, including appearances by Andy Richter, Kyle Gass of Tenacious D, and the midget from 30 Rock. You know, the episode where Tina Fey’s character mistakes a “little person” for a child and then it leads to a date? His appearance is not wasted, however. After taking numerous insults from Will Ferrel about his “midgetocity,” our tiny friend gets to pummell Ferrell until his tiny fists are covered in blood. He then shoves his miniature body inside of Will’s and explodes out of it, sending pieces of bone, sinew, and flesh all over the conference room.

But the casting is pretty solid in all the major roles. I would have liked, however so have seen someone different playing the tough, but lovable African-American department store manager/Santa coordinator. I feel this role would have been better suited for a Michael Clarke Duncan, a Tyreese or even a Biz Markie.

“Oh, Snap! Get yo ass back to da North Pole!”

Jingle All the Way:

Gov. Schwarzenegger, we hardly knew ye… After watching this movie on night two of our marathon, I regretted watching it so soon in the month. Jingle All The Way is an awesome movie. I know what you’re thinking, “Well Jacob likes crappy action movies and he will watch any abomination that Arnold Schwarzenegger is in.” Right you are! But with a crappy action movie, you are guaranteed things like huge, ridiculous explosions, terrible one liners, and even worse acting.

This movie is a different beast entirely…

THIS movie happens to be a crappy FAMILY movie that stars the greatest action hero that ever lived. It combines the corny corn-fest of the family movie, and merges it with a huge, Austrian meat head and his son, Anakin Skywalker. Put these pieces together and “IT’S TEHRBO TIME!!!”

Jingle All The Way came out shortly after the gigantic “Tickle-Me-Elmo” craze of the 1990’s, and the plot was spawned because of it. Arnold plays the sucky father, who misses all of little Anakin’s childhood accomplishments. His one chance to make everything right with his son is to get him the most popular toy of the year: the amazingly Flash-like “Turbo Man.” Seriously, take off the jet-pack and it’s Flash. Gimme a break.

Arnold realizes it was, in fact, a tumor.

Not convinced? Well throw in the genius of Phil Hartman playing the asshole next door neighbor, and add a name that is so terrifying that he has practically been banned from all television and movies for the past decade. Lock your doors, friend…it’s SINBAD!!!!!

Playing the role of disgruntled Mailman “Myron,” Sinbad delivers (pun intended) several memorable comedic gems. In one scene, he claims to have a goofy, light-hearted, homemade explosive device, which ultimately detonates and blackens about 10 police officers, ala Wile E. Coyote. Because if there is one thing that wrangles in the family laughs, its terrorism. While wrestling with said policemen, Sinbad makes a joke about Sickle Cell Anemia. I’m not kidding. There is a Sickle Cell Anemia joke in this movie.

In all fairness to Sinbad, he has, in fact, not been banned from all forms of entertainment. In 2008, he once again stole America’s hearts when he played the unforgettable role of Bennie in the hit movie “Cuttin Da Mustard.” He also starred alongside Harland Williams in the ABC Family series “Slacker Cats.” See for yo’ self…

So shed no tears for ‘ol Sinbad. He’s doin’ JUST fine…

Till we meet again…

JL

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OMG, a blog post??!?!?!

Hey there.

This weekend, I dusted off my camouflage shirt, put personal hygiene on the back-burner, and ventured to the “deer woods” with my brother Chris and my father, his holiness Pope Chester III.
I am admittedly not the biggest hunter. However, anything that puts me in the forest with my dad, brother and about 100 cold Coors Light…sign me up, Jack. Seriously, put my name on the list. I’ll have that.

We seem to be on the cusp of the holiday season, and while I think its bogus that Santa gets to poke his big, jolly ass in on Halloween, I love Christmas and I am ready to start burning the advent candle at both ends. Even a leisurely stroll through Lowe’s can make one long for the smell of a freshly cut fraiser fir and some hot chocolate. Mmmmm…daddy like.

But for the love of baby Jesus, no egg nog. That has to be one of the grossest beverages ever conceived by man. I imagine its initial conception went something like this:

Two schmo’s are sitting on a couch. One schmo has just finished eating a very filling egg salad. Exhausted from inhaling the “delicious” eggs, he stands up and blows a huge, revolting fart in the other’s face. Unsure how to react to the pungent assault on his nostrils, the schmo takes in several breaths, looks to his giggling friend and says:”My god! If someone were to make that into a drink…it would be…DELICIOUS!”

That’s right. Egg nog was created as a raunchy egg fart in liquid form. Deal with it.

Jessi and I begin our christmas movie marathon next week. I will keep you posted.

It is November…if you are shaving your face, you are not a man.

Until we meet again,

JL

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Harry Potter and the End of the World

Hello there.

Last Wednesday, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” made its way into theaters much to the delight of children, parents, and dorks everywhere. I truly think that the name of this film could/should have been “Harry Potter: The Sh*t Hits the Fan.” Regardless, people from all walks of life dusted off their Griffindor scarves, called in to work, and stood in line for hours to celebrate the sixth year of organized witchcraft, while denying the existence of God and consequences of one’s actions.

Possibly the most entertaining part of my “Potter experience,” was the “2012” trailer in front of this movie. Submitted for your approval:

This “thrill-ride” includes an “all-star” cast, such as Hollywood starlet Amanda Peet, because Saving Silverman apparently tested her acting chops enough to give her a “serious” role. I imagine the director/casting director saw the scene between her and R.Lee Ermey and said:
“My God…(removes glasses). I MUST have her.”

I feel like I should stop for a second and apologize for all of the quotations, however I find them all necessary to convey the sarcasm.

Anywho, Amanda Peet plays the damsel in distress (a complete turn around to the super controlling bitch in Silverman (the only other movie I have seen her in, btw). John Cusack (of “Say Anything,” “High Fidelity,” and “Con Air” fame) plays the savior of mankind. God knows that without the help of Mr. Cusack, the world would surely have plunged into darkness, spent its final moments and descend into history as a failed experiment, highlighted by Spencer Pratt, Flava Flav, and any hand full of modern musicians (see Daughtry).

But thank God that John Cusack is on our side. Hopefully as all major landmarks of the world crumbled and our way of life ceased to be, our brave knight, John MF’n Cusack, could be there to hold up his boom box as it screamed “Shock the Monkey.” It is truly an injustice that we were not able to recruit his older brother, Joan, though. He would have proved to be a tremendous asset in this war against the biblical apocalypse.

In the finest role he has ever played or ever will play, Danny “Gone Fishin’…for an appropriate book-end to my career” Glover plays the…I’m sorry, I almost can’t say it. Danny Glover…plays…the…president? Goodness. There has not been a more believable President since Bill Pullman in “Independence Day.” I’m sure the leader of the free world, while being exposed to secrets of National Security, would be terrified by such an innocent creature as Casper, the FRIENDLY, pre-pubescent, floating pussowalski ghost. To get just an eyedropper full of the acting prowess of President Pullham, one need only look as far as the clip below. Spoiler alert: It’s in Spanish.

In a healthy dose of irony, the director of this sure shit-fest is Roland Emmerich, who is also the director of INDEPENDENCE DAY (home of President Pullham), The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla (Ferris Bueller Version), Stargate, and Universal Soldier (ahh…Jean Claude Van Damme, or JCVD as he is affectionately know…100% American indeed.)

Wow…2012, Independence Day, and the Day after Tomorrow, good luck branching out to a non disaster movie, Roland. Btw, my 5th grade music teacher was named Mrs. Roland, who I’m sure was just as fat and stupid as you.

Also in this film is Oliver Platt, who will forever live in my mind as Jimmy King in the 2000 classic, “Ready to Rumble.” For those of you who didn’t watch wrestling as a child (or adolescent…or adult?), Ready to Rumble was an abomination starring David Arquette playing someone who has no business being in a feature film, and some other spikey haired douche, who manages to weasel his way into the “Ocean’s” movies with A-list actors. That teat has likely been sucked dry, and he will surely wind up in the next “Scorpion King” or “Behind Enemy Lines” strait-to-dvd threequel. But I digress…

The movie was loosely based around a professional wrestling storyline in which Oliver Platt played…you guessed it…a professional wrestler. What’s that? You don’t remember this dose of cinematic excellence? Walk with me down memory lane, sugar. Note the “Sherminator” cameo:

There. Feel like you just wasted 2:22 of your life? You are not alone, friend. Even as someone who appreciated pro wrestling for a big part of his life, I still found myself asking how this was a movie, and to whom it was meant to appeal. You recognized the spikey-haired douche, didn’t you? Ya know, I kinda wish they would keep making Ocean’s movies. Like, for a ridiculous amount of time, like the “Land Before Time” series. Eventually, there will just be a border on each DVD that says “Ocean’s”…that’s right, no number. The big stars will exit one by one, till it’s just the spikey haired douche, and Bernie Mac.

Too soon?

That being said, I will most likely see “2012.” I find that I enjoy films in which oblivious bystanders live their fragile, empty lives, then ultimately receive their comeuppance from an omnipotent force, be it aliens, God, or otherwise.

As for the newest Potter movie…it was good. Alan Rickman as Snape is awesome and I find myself impatiently waiting till he is on the screen again. His ten second pauses between words alone is worth the price of admission. My only hope is that in the next two movies, Snape has a sentence that lasts the entire movie. Don’t worry, there will be other scenes. The film will just cut back to Snape in a close up on his face saying “…Potter” or “…the…Dark…Lord.”

It’s dumb that they are splitting up the last book into two movies…you heard it here first.

In closing, go see Potter because it will surely be a better movie than “2012.” But, if you are like me, and would like to see what President Danny Glover could do for America, sit through 2012.

Avada Kedavra

Stay Thirsty My Friends,
JL

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Greetings, Weary Traveler

Hello friend.

If you are reading this, you are either following a link I sent you from a social networking site, or you were directed by some search engine like Google or Yahoo! or Bing or Pow or Flam or Jig or Webstriss or Skynet or whatever the hell the popular one is now.

Whatever brought you to this page, welcome.

My name is Jacob Leonard. In case you have not figured it out, I elected to name this blog “The Scumblog” as a play on the word “Scumbag,” a name given to me by several of my friends in high school. At the time, I was a seventeen year old kid with shoulder-length hair, a calm, care-free almost sedated demeanor, and a growing appreciation of the fairer sex.

My friends and I would sit at the same table everyday for lunch and say increasingly crude things about girls that passed by our table. Each remark would escalate, becoming more and more vulgar until we were all in tears from laughing so hard. One day, my friend Aron called me a scumbag while all of jaws got a break from smiling as far as they could. Two of my other friends concurred. Thus, I became a labeled, card-carrying scumbag.

So why am I blogging? Good question, hypothetical voice. Looks like we will find out together.

I suppose the easy answer is that I am in somewhat of a transition in my life, and I was looking for a way to document my thoughts, ideas, and observations. I hope to eventually write a book, but this will work for the time being. If you are wondering if you should care about this or not you need but ask yourself these questions.

Do you like movies? Comic books? Heavy Metal?

Wow…none of them? Seriously?

No way you don’t like movies….Well, piss off wierdo.

Till we meet again,
JL

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